Wars Within and Without

It has been so long that I hardly know how to even get started blogging again!  This past year has contained so much that would to fill many blog posts, yet the ability to write seems to have completely left me.  So many blessings and so many struggles!  In our entire time here, I cannot remember a time when we have seen God work so much in the lives of the people here but I also cannot remember a time when we have been under such attack.  One of those blessings of course was our dear, baby girl ~Abigail Grace.  It truly was God's grace in giving her to us for she can bring a smile to your face no matter what you are going through.  We have had answers to prayers like co-workers and those who we've been praying for get saved.  Through all of this, there have also been struggles.  I was brought to my knees...to my face many times this past year.

It felt as if we were attacked on all sides.  On the physical side, my baby boy was brought to the emergency room before his second birthday twice.  The first time was not even 24 hours after Abigail was born.  Daniel grabbed a can out of the trash and cut his finger.  Eric brought him in and he had to have stitches.  That's no big deal - except I knew where he had brought him.  I had seen how rough the nurses were with Anna when she broke her collar bone and this time it was a different doctor who would not allow Eric to go in with him.  It made my heart faint!  To know my baby was in there with a bunch of strangers who were most likely not being very kind to him.  Eric paid them extra for the cosmetic stitches and for anesthetics.  The bandages accidentally came off one time and we noticed that they had not used cosmetic stitches but instead the cheaper stitches.  I felt sick.  Not so much at that thought, but at the possibility that they had just pocketed the couple dollars instead of giving him anesthetics to help with the pain...figuring he would cry anyways.  How I wished that Eric would have at least stayed to make sure they administered that!  I vowed NEVER to allow them to do anything else to my babies without me or Eric being there with them.  The second time was New Year's Day.  New Year's Eve Daniel had a big bruised looking bump on his leg and a high fever.  We were nervous about bringing him in especially since all of the doctor's we would trust were on holiday break, but we felt like it was serious.  When Eric got there they told him it was an infection and he needed to be brought in and have it opened and drained right away...but Eric could not go with him.  Eric said he would just fly him out to America or somewhere else then.  They said he had that right, but they did not think there was time for that.  He could tell they were getting irritated with him for not just doing what they said right away.  What a hard decision!  Just remembering makes me want to cry all over again!  After consulting with a few other people both Stateside and here in Ukraine, we agreed to do it.  How hard it is just to hand your baby over to someone else when they could not even assure you that you would ever see him again!  Originally they told Eric he could stay the night at the hospital, just not with Daniel; but when Daniel came out of surgery, they told him he had to leave.  They told him Daniel was being moved into the intensive care unit and to come in the morning with all of the other parents to find out how he was doing, they did not even take his phone number...again warning him that there was still a possibility he could die and it could be 3 days before we could see him.  I don't know if I've ever cried so hard.  All I wanted was to hold my baby - yet he was SO far from me and I did not know if I'd ever get to hold him again.  Laying there curled up, rocking - not knowing if I was going to wake up and find out my son did not make it through the night- I was brought to my breaking point.  Eric sensed it too and knew there was a good possibility that we may be heading back to the States.  It was more than a strong consideration for me, what exactly my thought process was I cannot remember.  I do know that the Lord is gracious and merciful to my frailties.  I surrendered myself and my son again to Him.  How grateful I am that God did not chose to take my baby!  And that He did not make me wait 3 days to see him!  When Eric talked to the doctor the next day they said Daniel was awake and screaming.  They were going to move him to a regular room and Eric could stay with him!  (Probably because Daniel was too much work to try to hold down in bed.  I guess he was kicking and screaming quite a bit, probably from all of the strangers and being in a strange place hooked up to IVs.)  To be honest, it is only by the mercy and grace of God that I am still here.  I am humbled that He would continue to use such a weak vessel as I.

Besides our physical trials, there have been the spiritual battles within the church.  One of the biggest of those was with Slavic and Olea, who have since left the church.

Then there are the wars without, which I am sure all of you know about.  At the moment, we have perfect peace about staying here and we are seeing God confirm that decision by blessing and answering some prayers that are closest and dearest to our hearts.  I will share those blessings and answered prayers in my next post (hopefully very soon), since this post has ended up being much longer that I intended...and MUCH more open and candid than I planned.  I think that is the biggest reason I have avoided blogging - I was afraid of sharing too much of my heart.  It's a little scary to do that, but I pray that God will use it.  I look forward to sharing with you next time how little all of this is in comparison to God's blessings.  Pray for Ukraine.  Pray for their salvation, and pray for us.

"We are troubled on every side, yet not distressed; we are perplexed, but not in despair;"

II Corinthians 4:8

To Walk Worthy

 Abigail with Gala

Thank you all so much for your sweet, encouraging emails.  Each of them were such a blessing to me.  I have tried to reply to each of you.  If you have not received an email back, it is because I sent it, but my email said it did not send a couple.  I will retry again once I get a chance. 

Things around here have been busy as usual, with people coming in and out constantly.  This is something I've had to get use to as I greatly enjoy "my" privacy and "my" quiet time. 

For those of you who don't know, our dining room/living room is also our bedroom.  So even through the night, kids are coming through to go to the bathroom, and this past week, others were to.  But there is one time of the day when it is quiet (at least in the winter when it is dark) and that is early in the morning between 5- sometimes 7.  That is when Eric and I get up, light a candle on the table and read our Bibles.  Sitting next to each other in sweet quietness, sharing what God is showing us.  During the week that Slavic, Olea and Vasily were here, it was sometimes a little interrupted, but for the most part, we still had our quiet time...except for one morning...

Abigail has been pretty restless at nights, so one particular morning I propped up some pillows and stayed by her while starting my devotions.  In comes Vasily, pulls up a stool and sits at the table in MY SPOT!!!  "I'm not disturbing anything am I?" he asks Eric.  The first thought that comes into my head is, "Oh, no.  You're not disturbing anyone.  This is just the ONLY time Eric and I have together, but no.  You're not disturbing anyone."  Afterwards, I almost starting laughing about it.

So, God has been teaching me patience and love this past year.  It is quite funny.  I thought I had it down.  I've even been complimented multiple times on how patient I am.  So, even if I was failing in every other area, I was good in the patient area. hehe...Pride goeth before a fall.  Thankfully, God hasn't just been giving me testing, but has also been encouraging me and convicting through Scriptures almost daily about it.  I thought I would share one of my devotion journal entries from this past week. 

12/14    Ephesians 4

4:1  "I therefore, the prisoner of the Lord, beseech you that ye walk worthy of the vocation wherewith ye are called,"

~ To walk worthy of our calling...

        We are not worthy of the privilege to be missionaries, yet the Lord has allowed us to be here.  It is not the lowest calling someone could have on their lives, but it is a privilege.

4:2 "With all lowliness and meekness, with longsuffering, forbearing one another in love."

~ We aren't supposed to puff ourselves up and say, "Look what I am."  No. We are to serve realizing just how unworthy we are of this position.  It is not because we are super Christians that we have been called to the field.  God says He likes to use the weak things so that He can be seen and glorified rather than for us to be seen and glorified.

~ He also says we are to forbear one another in love.

         Sometimes on the mission field, we will just have to forbear in love because, for the most part, we are surrounded by baby Christians who will do things wrong.  It would be very easy and natural to get angry and say, "You don't want to do right?  Well, forget you!"

        No.  We must forbear in love, tenderly and gently guiding them into the right path.

4:3 "Endeavoring to keep the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace."

~ Endeavor is a good word here as sometimes it is an endeavor to keep people in the Spirit in peace with each other.  It is an endeavor just to keep ourselves in the Spirit and at peace with other Christians!  We all have the fleshly tendency to gossip and get irritated with each other.

       I believe some people are better at this than others...Eric is so good at it and I can learn a lot from him.  Thank you Lord for giving me a peacemaking husband and pastor for our little, sometimes contentious, church here.  YOU knew what we needed.

4:7 "But unto every one of us is given grace according to the measure of the gift of Christ."

~He has given each of us a gift.  Some of us He has called to be missionaries, some teachers, etc.  Each of us that are saved have been called Christians and we ought to walk worthy of that calling - to be Christ-like.

         He says He has called us to be Christ-like and He will give us the grace to do it.

Why has He given us our different gifts or callings?

4:12 "For the perfecting of the saints, 

          for the work of the ministry,

         for the edifying of the body of Christ."

 I know it could probably be written out more beautifully, but I left it just as I wrote it.  Sometimes when we are going through some trials, especially with the people in our church, I have a tendency to say (like Moses), "Lord, why did you give us these people!"  But He reminds me over and over that I am not "above" my calling.  I am not worthy to be here.  I am weak and sinful.  I am not even above them, yet HE has called me and put me here.  Thank You, Lord, for choosing me and using me!  Thank you also for Your grace and strength as I am such a weak vessel!

Psalm 51:10

To Brighten Your Day

Her giggles never fail to brighten my days and bring a smile to my face. :)

To Surrender a Light Bulb

This past year since furlough has been a trying and exhausting year.
Over and over again, I found myself telling God that I needed a break.  I needed fellowship.
Over and over I found myself brought to a place where I was physically so weak that all I could do was lay down on the bathroom floor and cry, begging God for just some relief from my exhaustion.

At the moment, my mind is drawing a blank as to why it was so physically and spiritually draining for me.
It just felt like we had one thing after another happen.

I knew and know that this is where God wants us, but still I struggled with wanting to buy a ticket and fly back to America...even if it was just for a visit.

Would it have helped?
Probably not, but there is always this fantasy that "everything is better when OFF the mission field".

It's funny.
I thought I was surrendered.
Fully surrendered.
Yet I've come to realize, especially over the course of this past year, how truly selfish I am.

As our church has grown, I have been selfish of my husband's time and attention.
As our family has grown, I have been selfish of my own time.

On the outside, oh yeah.  I was surrendered.
I live in a small home.
Away from my family.

You know the list...

But I wasn't even willing to surrender a light bulb.

Oh, it wasn't your ordinary light bulb.
No.  This one is 'cool'.
You just pull the plug and there's light.
I liked this little light for doing my devotions and it is great when we lose electricity.

Well, a couple in our church lost electricity a few weeks ago and asked to borrow it.
My first reaction was, "NOOOO!!!"  They don't NEED it.  They just want it because it's neat.
They have matches and flashlights.  This isn't practical anyways because the batteries run out so quickly.
The Lord convicted me of my selfishness and I knew it wasn't just for them, but I wasn't willing to surrender it to HIM.  He has blessed me with SO much, and yet I wasn't willing to give a little light bulb.  So we gave it to them...happily.

Again, a few weeks ago I was feeling completely exhausted.
I just begged God for a break...maybe even for Thanksgiving. 
Just a few days to visit with another missionary.
God answered my prayer and another missionary couple invited us to stay with them for Thanksgiving!
You can imagine my excitement!

It wasn't going to be easy since it was the week we were doing all of our registration work, but we booked our tickets.

The day before we were to leave, we 'happened' to call a couple in our church to see if they could take care of our dog.
They were drunk.
Eric said he was going to go get them.
Right then I KNEW what was going to happen and what God would ask of me.
How I hardened to the idea!
The Lord KNEW how much I NEEDED this break!

Well, by the time Eric got home hours later, the Lord softened my heart so that I was willing to surrender.
We still had a GREAT Thanksgiving and I had the energy to go on.

Eric helped this couple a few times the past two weeks, yet they continued to get drunk.
We kept talking about how needed a mission was here, where people like that could stay...
we just needed a bigger house.
Yep, you guessed it!
Yesterday, they begged for help as they just couldn't stop.  So, we moved them into one of our rooms.
Another young man in our church is staying here too to help us.  (He is sleeping in the mudroom.)
And you guess what?
As I laid on the ground begging God for strength, I found out...
It was not a vacation I needed,
It was HIM.
Getting up from prayer, HE renewed my strength and my joy.

I have found out this past year,
surrender is not a one time thing...
it must be done daily.

And sometimes it's not the big things.

Sometimes it's just a light bulb.

Happy Thanksgiving!

I hope you all had a Happy Thanksgiving!

We didn't have a big thanksgiving dinner this year 

because we were planning on visiting other missionaries, 

but plans changed at the last minute.  

We still had a great day.

Vasily has been eating with us lately, so he came over and visited.

We also had a lot of Indians and Pilgrims. :)

 

Eric eluded the camera all day, so sorry, there's no pictures of him...unless you count the Indian mask.

Daniel ripped his Indian hat before we got started.

(Thank you, Anna and Lydia for making all the hats and decorations!  You did a GREAT job!)

 

Anna didn't think Abigail should be left out so kept adding feathers to her headband.

 

Everyone got to take turns being the photographer, so we have lots of pictures of Mama.

 

Then we played games...Sammy photobombed the first picture. hehe

I noticed afterwards that I didn't get as many as him.  Poor guy!

And lastly, EVERYONE wanted pumpkin pie.  BUT I didn't have time to buy a pumpkin (or squash) ahead of time.  Thankfully, I had enough pumpkin in the freezer to make mini pumpkin pies.  Eric was especially excited that they were gluten-refined sugar free.  We were planning on breaking it, but since we had to be home, he asked that I try to stay by the diet.  It has been fun to come up with different ways to make the things he likes.  He was even more excited about the cream and ate all the left over.  It was a cashew cream.  It's not Thanksgiving without pumpkin pie and what's pumpkin pie without cream?

Bible Lessons

I know I have been the most sporadic blogger lately and I have wanted to share this with you for a while, but we have had people in our home almost constant, so blogging time has been at a minimum.  I am giving 3 Bible lessons now and one of those is to Katiya, Bogdan's mom.  We were so excited when she said that she wanted to start her lessons!

She is on her 4th or 5th lesson now.  My heart was stirred each time I talked with her as it seemed like she was searching.  After the 2nd lesson, she really wanted to know HOW she could be saved and Lina and I spent about 1-2 hours with her talking about how she could be saved.  How exciting it was when she bowed her head to ask Jesus as her Savior!  She has been coming to every single service since then and been doing devotions with her boys every night.  We're praying that God will continue to work in this family and that Ruselan (her husband) and her son, Nikita, will be saved too.  Her lessons are on Fridays.

I am giving two other lessons on Sundays.  One lady, Luda, has also recently made a profession so the lessons are just for clarity.  The other lesson is with Gala.  I don't think she is saved, but she seems to know a lot of the information.  Please be in prayers especially for her lessons.  Pray for me also that God will give me clarity of speech and especially of mind as sometimes it is difficult to give lessons with little ones running around.